Gained more weight

I hate myself!  I keep gaining weight what the heck is wrong with me!?  Feeling totally low right now.

Are you just hormonal or what?~!

I know I haven't shared this with anyone so here I go.  The past 8 years I have went through so much.  Having 2 children is one of those things.  After having my kids the weight just kept piling on and no matter what I did I could not drop the weight.  Went to all kinds of doctors and they said I just had to eat less... I'm like, I starve myself and gain weight WTF!  Finally this past year I found an amazing doctor who finally diagosed me with Hypothyroidism.  She even did tests on my metabolism and said that it is EXTREMLY slow. Long story short the medication that she gave me worked really well but now they are in back order I guess cause so many people are using it.  She has me on something else but I'm gaining weight again.

It's very fusterating.  Actually on the drive home I was contiplating getting some coccaine so to lose weight.  I know it sounds horrible but I can't stand it any longer!  My dear friend did coke when we were in our early 20s and she looked amazing... I was thin anyway so I had no desire to do the coke.  Sometimes I just want to stop eating all together but suddenly an emotion moment happens and woopee the food gets into my mouth I have no idea how LOL! Ow and I tried purging a thousand time but I have no gag reflex which SUCKS! So you can forget that idea.  I do chew and spit sometimes but most the time I just forget to get my spit cup ready and well... I just wish I would not eat period!

I have to do something cause I can't live like this.  It's crazy to think that 10 years ago I weighed 125 pounds at 5'5" and now I am tipping the scale at 240!!!!  And believe it or not in my late teens into my mid 20's I was anorexic!!  I hate myself!  I hate the fat shit I have evolved into!  I feel like no one in life understands what I am going through. Obviously the online friends I have do but it's diffferent to have an actually person go through it with you side by side.  OK, done venting thanks for listening!

Fustration mounting

I have to say that my fusteration is mounting on the weightloss issue.  The medication that I was on for my Thyroid is on back order and now I am gaining weight at an alarming rate.  So as you can imagine I have nothing good to write here on my blog.  No success.  Just this constant failure to succeed at the weightloss.

I've resorted to taking Hydrocut to see if that will help any but it's only been 2 days.  It's so fusterating to be going through this.

How time passes so quickly

I have to say I can't believe I went so long without posting!

What a test in time

I have to say that these past few months have been a true test for me with dieting. I am such an emotional eater and I hate it. I wish I could shut off the emotion and only eat because I am hungry. To be honest I tried to purge a few times but with no gag reflex I don't get very far with it. I was doing really well restricting the other week then I had family come to town and all hell broke loose. It's like I have no will power in certain situations. Plus my job is boring. I sit at a desk and I think about it what am I going to eat!

It's like food is the only thing on my mind. I've even thought about chewing and spitting but that is going to have to take some training to do because I am not use to it. I have to find some kind of way to eat the food yet not swallow it since I can't purge even if I tried. I'm not trying to advocate an eating disorder. This is my life and struggles. After being an anorexic years ago now I am obese wondering how the heck I got here. Those things that I use to do to control my eating have gone out the window with age and stress.

So back to square one again. I am aiming to keep the calories realistically low around 800-1000 and keep my fat down too. I am going to use lots of neg calorie veggies too. Lot's of salad as well. I need to get thin this is like an endless cycle of failure!

Why can't I be like those people who get all stressed out and can't eat... no me, I eat more!

It's been a while

I know it's been really long since I have written and I do plan on writing more often. I've been so overwhelmed with the recent moves and the kids with school starting. Of course I haven't been dieting which is never good. I do plan on Monday to start restricting my calorie intake and to be consistent with my medications. I have to drop some weight and get back on track. I hope everyone else is doing well.

Did really well yesterday. Had a 1/4 of a bagel with Cream Cheese that my son didn't finish. I drank one slim fast and at night have 2 small candies. So I don't think I went over 500 calories. I was so excited. Today wasn't bad either. Morning had danish, lunch 2 cheese It crackers, dinner rice and chicken breast. I do think today I was at about 1000 calories. I think that as long as I stay below 1300 I'll be good. I try to eat more on one day and less the next. Tends to trick the body a bit. Works for me. I'm down 9 pounds for the week.