Did really well yesterday. Had a 1/4 of a bagel with Cream Cheese that my son didn't finish. I drank one slim fast and at night have 2 small candies. So I don't think I went over 500 calories. I was so excited. Today wasn't bad either. Morning had danish, lunch 2 cheese It crackers, dinner rice and chicken breast. I do think today I was at about 1000 calories. I think that as long as I stay below 1300 I'll be good. I try to eat more on one day and less the next. Tends to trick the body a bit. Works for me. I'm down 9 pounds for the week.

Control... control... you must have control

When you are thinking about food it's something that you can control. When the pains are in your belly and wanting food then you can't control that as well. You have to find some way to stop the noise in your belly. Try munching on a carat or cucumber. Try drinking chicken broth. Easier said right? Because what do I do? I go and eat the worst choices possible. Why is it that before (in my before marriage life) I was able to control the food but now it's like it controls me? What have I lost? Is it because I don't want it bad enough? Is it because I know I will have an affair on my husband with the first man who shows any sign of attraction towards me? I think it's a much deeper thing then just not wanting it bad enough. I think I am afraid of the reality of my marriage which is the core of my unhappiness.

Today starting out well but lunch... ow my

This morning I woke up with a full intention to do right with my diet. I was going to make a smoothy but didn't since I didn't have orange juice... duh could have used milk but ow well. Around 10am I decided to have my Kashi with sliced Banana and that really filled me up. Suddenly lunch time came around and what did I do? I cooked tortellini's and ate it! Stupid stupid me! I have no reason for eating it... I wasn't hungry! I lost a pound since yesterday and I don't want to loose that one pound. I got my period yesterday so of course all my cravings are through the roof.

I am only going to eat a salad for dinner because I don't want to goof up anymore then I have. I'm sure at this point I've already reached 1000 calories. SHOOT!!

Ever heard of KimKins?

It's funny I found this site that was talking all this bad stuff about KimKins and I thought it was so strange that everyone else knows about this but I. Apparently it is a diet site (it's still there) that a person published a diet on that is really low in calories, fat and carbs. But someone found out that this person was obese LOL! I'm not trying to make cracks but I just started to laugh cause people acted so violated. All I could think to myself is how many people out there pull these stunts that we never know. I mean you are on the internet and what really do you know about any of these sites whether diet or not.

Anyway back to the diet. The idea is great and the plan works but of course it's not something that you want to sustain for a long period of time. Basically it's teaching you to eat like I did years ago. Maybe 500 calories a day mostly protein and veggies. Is there a way to do this and sustain it...? Sure! Simply put you have to give yourself enough fuel to survive without putting ourselves into a starvation mode. You don't want to slow your metabolism. When I was ANA I would eat just enough to get me through the day but as soon as the scale stopped moving I would load up and this would kick my metabolism into gear again. not to much but just some.

Realty is that you have to burn more then you put in and if you are not doing that well good luck cause the weight will not come off. You have to measure your food! You have to count calories! You have to watch the sodas and juices! You have to watch the carb intake! YOU HAVE TO MOVE TO LOSE!

In case any of you want to know the documentary THIN will be on HBO Signature East on April 23 at 1:30am EST. I had it taped in my DVR but with the move got a new DVR so I am going to re-tape it. I love this documentary because it shows people of different backgrounds, different problems, and most importantly different ages.

To often ED documentaries tend to be geared towards the young girl who is lost in her identity or trying to fit in. In this one you see a mother of two (like me), you see someone suffering from severe depression, and you see people who are adults that have normal lives with stories you can relate to.

Got over the tough period and doing better. My eating though is just out of control. I can't figure out why I am eating so much these days. Might be the stress and being that I deal with every and all emotions with food. Must be from how I was raised... everything revolved around food. Can you even imagine?!

I promise myself not to be so hard on myself since that tends to set me up for the failure. I have to learn to take things as they come and not pound myself about it. It's tough though because you know you are fat you know you are lazy and you know that you are no good to yourself acting out your emotions with a plate of food. I know I should exercise but I don't. I know I should stop eating so late at night but I don't. It's tough to say when you are not succeeding but I think that you need so in order to really face the reality of your own journey.

I'm going to get my period in about a week so that it's helping. I tend to get very sluggish at this time and the energy levels are usually at an all time low. So I'm thinking if I can just manage to get myself to eat normally without over doing it until my period is over then just maybe I can start with the walking and weights again.

I feel like such a failure but I have to stop beating myself up all the time about this because I am not going to get anywhere by doing that.

Going through a really tough time emotionally and packed on a few pounds. I just don't know how to overcome this emotional eating part and it's really taking a toll on me. I feel like a real failure!